You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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