If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
