I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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