Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
