I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
