She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
