Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
