I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My dick has a subreddit
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
