Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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