i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
