I hate all girls vehemently.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
