so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
