How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
