You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
