One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
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because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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