You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
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by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
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My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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