There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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