It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
