I wanna bring you to show and tell
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
