Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
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Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
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U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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