She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
