Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
