I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
