see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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