I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
