how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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