Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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