Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Actions speak louder than pants.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
