Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
