Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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