I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
