No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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