Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So much rum. So many feels.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
