I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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