wrigley field is MILF paradise
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
