she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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