I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
