As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
