he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
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Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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