Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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