did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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