I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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