Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
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you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
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The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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