He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
