i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
