At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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