Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
