My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
