my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
