Swine flu. Run for my life!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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