the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
