I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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