My nipple is on Facebook.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
