I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MIDGETS
????
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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