What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
