All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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