Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
