if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i think i have herpe
just one?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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