I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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