It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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